SNAP CITY

COLD OPEN

ESTABLISHING SHOT: San Francisco City Hall exterior with its majestic dome gleaming in the morning light.

NARRATOR:

San Francisco City Hall. Home to progressive politics, overpriced weddings, and the tallest municipal dome in the Western Hemisphere. , because size apparently matters to San Francisco.

INTERIOR - CITY HALL ROTUNDA - MORNING

Miles, Scott, Felix, and Trevor are setting up photography equipment around the Grand Staircase. They're all wearing photographer vests loaded with gear.

MILES:

Dude, I can't believe we finally got our photography business started.

SCOTT:

Yeah, if we can book enough weddings this month, we might actually make rent.

TREVOR:

You guys are thinking too small. The real money is in celebrity weddings. One Taylor Swift ceremony would set us up for life.

FELIX:

I just want to shoot something other than weddings.

MILES:

Weddings pay the bills, Felix. Besides, what else would we photograph here? Homeless people sleeping on the steps?

Mayor McDome (who resembles Trevor but with a mayoral sash and ridiculous hairdo) approaches with an entourage.

MAYOR McDOME:

Attention, attention! As your incredibly photogenic mayor, I have an important announcement that will definitely not benefit me personally in any way!

SCOTT:

Here we go again.

MAYOR McDOME:

Due to our city's commitment to artistic excellence—and definitely not because of massive campaign donations—I'm announcing a competition to select the Official City Hall Photographer! Winner gets exclusive access to the dome, the Grand Staircase, and all prime shooting locations!

The rotunda erupts in chaos as dozens of previously unseen photographers start shoving each other and arguing.

MILES:

Holy crap, it's like The Hunger Games but with cameras.

SCOTT:

Wait, there can't be just ONE official photographer! What about all the weddings?

A burly photographer with a vest covered in lenses approaches.

APERTURE AL:

The name's Aperture Al, and I've controlled the Grand Staircase photography racket for years. This contest changes nothing. You kids better stay off my turf or your cameras might have an... accident.

Al snaps his fingers and two tough-looking photographers appear beside him.

TREVOR:

A photography monopoly, huh? Interesting...

SCOTT:

This is bullshit! City Hall is a public building. You can't claim territory like it's some kind of—

APERTURE AL:

Like it's some kind of what? Photography mafia? Kid, you have no idea how this place works. There's the official rules, and then there's the REAL rules.

Al and his goons walk away, deliberately bumping into Scott.

MILES:

Dude, what are we going to do? We have three weddings booked this weekend.

TREVOR:

Don't worry, you guys. I have a plan.

SCOTT:

Oh no.

MILES:

Whatever it is, no.

TREVOR:

You haven't even heard it yet! Look, if we're going to survive this photographer war, we need to play dirty. Trust me.

SCOTT:

The last time we trusted you, you sold our photo equipment and replaced it with cardboard cutouts.

TREVOR:

That was different! I thought NFT photography was the future!

Felix climbs on the railing to get a better angle for a test shot. The railing breaks.

FELIX:

Oh shit.

Felix falls toward a monopod. Dust and gear scatter. When Miles looks down, Felix is gone. The monopod stands alone, and Felix's camera lies at its base with one impossible stair-angle frame already captured.

MILES:

Where's Felix?!

SCOTT:

He was just here! That was a $300 carbon fiber monopod!

Benny runs in carrying equipment bags.

BENNY:

Hey fellas! Oh man, Felix's gone again! Should I still set up the reflectors?

Dramatic music plays as we cut to title card.

ACT ONE

INTERIOR - CITY HALL - LATER THAT MORNING

The boys (with Felix back from nowhere, camera somehow dry) are huddled in a corner of the building.

TREVOR:

Okay, here's the plan. We need to take control of the Grand Staircase before Saturday's weddings. That means we need to eliminate the competition.

SCOTT:

We're not "eliminating" anyone, fatass!

TREVOR:

Not like that, you bleeding-heart liberal! I mean we need to discredit them. Make them look bad.

MILES:

How?

TREVOR:

Simple. We're going to start sabotaging their shoots. Aperture Al has the 2pm wedding today. All we need to do is make sure it's a disaster.

Trevor pulls out a jar labeled "WEDDING MASSACRE 3000."

SCOTT:

What the hell is that?

TREVOR:

Fire ants. We release these during Al's group photos, and his reputation is ruined.

MILES:

Dude! We can't do that! Those are innocent people getting married!

TREVOR:

Fine, you pussy. What's your brilliant plan?

MILES:

We need to beat them with pure talent. Better photos, better customer service.

TREVOR:

"Better photos, better customer service." What is this, a photography business or a Jimmy John's commercial?

Benny runs up excitedly.

BENNY:

Fellas, fellas! You'll never believe what I just heard! Taylor Swift is getting married here tomorrow!

ALL:

WHAT?!

BENNY:

It's true! She's marrying some random guy she met three weeks ago! It's supposed to be super secret but everyone knows!

TREVOR:

Do you know what this means?

MILES:

That Taylor Swift has terrible judgment in men?

TREVOR:

No, you idiot! This is our chance! If we can be THE photographers for Taylor Swift's wedding, we win the whole competition!

SCOTT:

But how? Aperture Al controls the Grand Staircase, and there's no way he's giving it up for Taylor Swift.

TREVOR:

That's why we're going to steal his identity.

Miles and Scott exchange worried glances.

EXTERIOR - CITY HALL STEPS - AFTERNOON

We see Permit Principal giving a lecture to a group of photographers.

PERMIT PRINCIPAL:

Listen up, photographers! When taking photos of our historic building, you need to check your architectural privilege! This dome identifies as majestic, and I'll throw down with any of you who misgender its architectural significance!

The boys walk past, ignoring him.

MILES:

So what's the plan to deal with Aperture Al?

TREVOR:

I've already set it in motion. I sent an email from "San Francisco Photography Licensing Board" telling him his permit was revoked and he needs to report to Oakland immediately.

SCOTT:

There's no such thing as the San Francisco Photography Licensing Board!

TREVOR:

He doesn't know that.

They see Aperture Al packing his equipment angrily.

APERTURE AL:

What do you mean I need a new license? I've been shooting here for ten years! Oakland? Are you kidding me?

TREVOR:

See? Now the Grand Staircase is ours.

SCOTT:

This is going to backfire spectacularly.

Suddenly, Mayor McDome appears on the steps with a megaphone.

MAYOR McDOME:

Attention, photographers of San Francisco! I have another important announcement! Due to tomorrow's surprise celebrity wedding that we're totally keeping secret, all photographer permits are suspended! Only the winner of today's flash photography contest will be allowed to shoot in City Hall tomorrow!

MILES:

Flash photography contest? What the hell is that?

MAYOR McDOME:

The rules are simple! Whoever brings the most powerful, most excessive flash equipment wins exclusive access! The contest begins... NOW!

Chaos erupts as photographers start running to their cars and studios.

SCOTT:

This is insane! Flash equipment has nothing to do with photographic talent!

TREVOR:

Hello, Industrial Light and Magic? How much to rent a movie-set lighting rig? The one you used for the sun in that space movie?

MILES:

Dude! We can't afford that!

TREVOR:

We can't afford NOT to do this! This is Taylor Swift we're talking about!

Felix returns with a small speed light flash.

FELIX:

I found this in the lost and found!

SCOTT:

That's not going to be enough, Felix. Look!

They see photographers returning with increasingly absurd lighting equipment: car headlights, stadium floodlights, and even what appears to be a small lighthouse beacon.

MILES:

We're so screwed.

Greg appears, dragging a giant military searchlight.

GREG:

Miles! Miles! I heard about the contest! I brought you my special light! I use this for my fine art dome photography!

MILES:

Dad, what are you doing here?

GREG:

I'm helping you win, Miles! This baby was used to spot enemy aircraft in World War II! It can cause temporary blindness at 500 yards!

TREVOR:

That's actually perfect.

SCOTT:

No it's not! We can't blind people at a wedding!

GREG:

Not with that attitude, Scott!

The Ghost of Diane Feinstein appears, floating next to them, visible only to the boys.

GHOST OF FEINSTEIN:

The dome knows all... the light reveals truth... but beware the shadows of corruption...

MILES:

Do you guys see her too?

SCOTT:

Just ignore her. We have bigger problems.

The front of City Hall has now turned into a lighting equipment arms race, with photographers setting up increasingly dangerous and powerful lighting rigs.

MAYOR McDOME:

Yes, YES! Soon I'll have the most well-lit mayoral portrait in history! And definitely not because I have investments in the electric company!

INTERIOR - CITY HALL ROTUNDA - EVENING

The boys are struggling to set up Greg's massive searchlight on the Grand Staircase.

SCOTT:

This thing must weigh 500 pounds!

TREVOR:

Put your back into it, Jew!

FELIX:

Okay.

The searchlight slips. Marble dust blooms. When it clears, Felix is gone from under the light. Only his footprint remains on the stair, and his camera sits three steps up displaying a perfect exposure of the rotunda.

MILES:

Where's Felix?!

SCOTT:

He was just here! That's the second monopod today!

APERTURE AL:

What the hell do you think you're doing on MY stairs?

TREVOR:

Your stairs? Shouldn't you be in Oakland getting your fake license?

APERTURE AL:

So it was YOU! You little bastards tried to trick me!

Al's crew surrounds the boys, all holding threatening photography equipment like tripods and light stands as weapons.

MILES:

Uh, guys, I think we're in trouble.

SCOTT:

Maybe we can reason with them?

APERTURE AL:

There's only one way to settle this. FLASH BATTLE!

Al's crew suddenly unveils their secret weapon: a massive array of speedlights that covers the entire wall.

TREVOR:

Oh shit.

The rotunda explodes in blinding light as both sides fire their flashes, and we cut to commercial.

ACT TWO

INTERIOR - CITY HALL ROTUNDA - MORNING

The boys are slumped against the wall, exhausted. The rotunda is a disaster area of broken light stands, melted flashes, and scorch marks on the marble.

MILES:

I still can't see properly.

SCOTT:

My sensor is completely fried.

TREVOR:

But we won! Aperture Al and his crew retreated!

MILES:

That's because the fire department showed up when your dad's searchlight set the curtains on fire!

GREG:

Worth it.

Mayor McDome waddles in with her entourage.

MAYOR McDOME:

Congratulations, boys! Your excessive and dangerous use of lighting equipment has won you the exclusive right to photograph tomorrow's super-secret celebrity wedding!

TREVOR:

Yes! We're going to be famous!

MAYOR McDOME:

However, there's a small permit fee of... $50,000.

BOYS:

WHAT?!

SCOTT:

That's extortion!

MAYOR McDOME:

That's San Francisco real estate pricing, kid. Supply and demand. You want the Taylor Swift wedding or not?

TREVOR:

We'll take it! We'll figure out the money somehow!

The mayor leaves with a smug smile.

SCOTT:

How the hell are we going to get $50,000 by tomorrow?

TREVOR:

I've got it! We'll start a GoFundMe! "Help Four Brave Photographers Document Taylor Swift's Wedding For The Fans!"

MILES:

That's actually... not a terrible idea.

SCOTT:

But that's fraud! We can't promise Taylor Swift photos to fans!

TREVOR:

It's not fraud, it's... creative marketing!

Benny runs in, panicked.

BENNY:

Fellas! Big problem! Aperture Al is back and he's got... oh jeez... he's got DRONES!

They look outside to see Aperture Al commanding a swarm of photography drones that are circling City Hall.

APERTURE AL:

You think you won, punks? Let's see your lights stop my aerial assault! I'm going to photograph this wedding from the air!

MILES:

Shit! We didn't think about drones!

TREVOR:

What do we do? What do we do?

SCOTT:

We fight technology with technology.

Scott pulls out his phone and starts typing frantically.

MILES:

What are you doing?

SCOTT:

Calling in reinforcements.

MONTAGE SEQUENCE:

Set to dramatic music, we see Scott contacting various photography groups. The boys gather equipment from around the city. Trevor steals drone jammers from a military surplus store. Miles recruits photography students from local colleges. Felix (back already) sets up elaborate tripwire traps on the City Hall roof.

EXTERIOR - CITY HALL - NEXT MORNING

A massive crowd has gathered. News crews are everywhere. The boys have established a defensive perimeter around the building with their own counter-drone measures and an army of photography assistants.

NEWS REPORTER:

We're here live at San Francisco City Hall where Taylor Swift is rumored to be getting married today! The scene is absolute chaos as rival photography groups battle for position!

We see Aperture Al's drone swarm hovering menacingly while the boys' ground team prepares their defenses.

MILES:

Eagle's Nest, this is Ground Control. Are the anti-drone nets in position?

FELIX:

All set!

TREVOR:

Our GoFundMe raised $43,000! We're almost there!

SCOTT:

How is that possible? We only started it last night!

TREVOR:

Never underestimate the power of Swifties, Scott.

A black limousine pulls up to the City Hall steps. Everyone gasps.

MILES:

This is it! Get ready!

Aperture Al activates his drones, which swoop down toward the limo.

TREVOR:

Now, Felix! Release the nets!

Felix launches anti-drone nets from the roof. As they deploy, he gets tangled in one and is pulled into the air, then into the path of multiple drones.

FELIX:

Not again.

The drones tangle in the nets where Felix was. An aerial collision fills the sky with plastic and cable. Felix is gone. One drone drifts down carrying his camera, screen lit with a sharp frame of the limo roof.

MILES:

Where's Felix?!

SCOTT:

He was just here! That was our best drone net!

The limousine door opens. Everyone holds their breath. But instead of Taylor Swift, out steps Mayor McDome.

MAYOR McDOME:

Surprise! The celebrity wedding was a hoax! This was all a test to see which photography team would go to the most extreme lengths for the official City Hall photographer position!

EVERYONE:

WHAT?!

TREVOR:

You mean we did all this for nothing? What about our GoFundMe money?

MAYOR McDOME:

Oh, that money is still due to the city as your application fee. Congratulations on almost raising enough!

SCOTT:

This is corruption! This is fraud!

MAYOR McDOME:

No, this is San Francisco politics! The same as it's been since 1906!

Suddenly, the Ghost of Diane Feinstein appears, this time visible to everyone.

GHOST OF FEINSTEIN:

The dome sees all... the dome knows all... and the dome has had ENOUGH!

The dome begins to glow with an eerie light. Everyone stares in shock.

MILES:

What the hell?

GHOST OF FEINSTEIN:

For decades, the sacred dome of City Hall has witnessed corruption, bribery, and $7 coffee! Today it will cleanse this building!

A beam of light shoots from the dome, hitting Mayor McDome and lifting her into the air.

MAYOR McDOME:

What's happening?! Put me down! I have an approval rating to maintain!

GHOST OF FEINSTEIN:

The dome has judged you unworthy!

The light intensifies, and suddenly all of Mayor McDome's hidden cash falls from her pockets, raining down on the crowd below.

TREVOR:

It's a miracle!

The Ghost of Feinstein floats down to the boys.

GHOST OF FEINSTEIN:

Young photographers, the dome has chosen you as its true guardians. Will you use your cameras to document truth rather than chase celebrity?

The boys look at each other.

MILES:

Yes, we will.

SCOTT:

We'll document the real San Francisco.

TREVOR:

Totally! Truth and justice and whatever!

The Ghost nods and fades away. Mayor McDome is gently lowered to the ground, looking humbled.

MAYOR McDOME:

I... I've seen the light. Literally. From now on, City Hall photography will be free for all photographers to share!

Everyone cheers. Greg appears next to Miles.

GREG:

I'm proud of you, son. You've become a true photographer. Now help me set up my experimental underwater dome shoot. I'm going to fill the rotunda with Jell-O.

MILES:

Dad, no.

TAG

INTERIOR - CITY HALL - ONE WEEK LATER

The boys are calmly photographing a wedding on the Grand Staircase. Everything seems peaceful.

MILES:

You know, I've learned something today. Photography isn't about celebrity weddings or fancy equipment...

SCOTT:

It's about capturing authentic moments and using our cameras for good.

TREVOR:

Holy shit you guys! Beyoncé just announced she's renewing her vows here next week!

They all immediately drop what they're doing and run off, leaving the wedding couple standing confused on the stairs.

BENNY:

Oh man! I guess I'm your photographer now! Say "cheese"!

As Benny takes a photo, the flash explodes, setting his hair on fire.

BENNY:

AAAAAH! MY PARENTS ARE GONNA GROUND ME FOR THIS!

The Ghost of Diane Feinstein appears briefly, shakes her head in disappointment, and vanishes as we fade to black.

END CREDITS